


Songs Scrawled in Blue Ink

by StitchingStarsigns



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Recreational Drug Use, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Songfic, Verbal Abuse, anger issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-04
Updated: 2017-11-03
Packaged: 2018-11-23 14:11:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11404062
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StitchingStarsigns/pseuds/StitchingStarsigns
Summary: Drink up, BabyStay up all nightWith the things you could doYou won't but you mightHe was hazy the first time his soulmate had written to him.The potential you'll beThat you'll never seeThe promises you'll only make





	1. Drink Up Baby

**Author's Note:**

> This is a soulmate au that's probably gonna end up being 100% song fics. Don't expect a consistent update schedule, this is mostly just to try and get past my writers block.
> 
> This chapter is based off between the bars by elliott smith

He was hazy the first time his soulmate had written to him. A joint in his hand as he sat on the roof, a beer and a half sitting beside him as he watched the blue ink swirl along his skin, scrawling some sort of poem on his arm in a fancy cursive font. When he read the words, he couldn't help but laugh.

> _Drink up, baby  
>  Stay up all night_

There was more, but who was he to ignore the command on his wrist. And so he drank, downing the rest of the alcohol beside him and going off to look for more.

Connor woke up the next morning with a hangover and a tear stained pillow. His arm sprawled across his face, only to remind him of the writing he had neglected to read the night before.

When he managed to force his eyes to focus, they scanned to fading script upon his skin.

> _Drink up, baby_  
>  _Stay up all night_ _With the things you could do_ _You wont but you might_ _The potential you'll be_ _That you'll never see_ _The promises you'll only make_

Connor frowned. It wasn't uncommon for soulmates to share songs with each other by way of lyrics. Ignoring the shaking of his hands as he pulled his phone off the night stand, he typed the words into the search bar and played the video that showed up.

The tear stains on his pillow grew.


	2. God Awful Shitty Feeling Of Dread

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _There's a God-awful shitty feeling of dread in my heart,_   
>  _Yeah, it's got a lot to do with haven't finished what I started;_
> 
>  
> 
> The first time Evan's soulmate wrote to him he was a wreck.
> 
>  
> 
> _And at any second now I think it all might fall apart,_  
>  _'Cause there's a God-awful shitty feeling of dread in my heart, yeah._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song is Dread In My Heart by Mother Mother
> 
> (Side note; expect a lot of mother mother they're by far my favourite band ever and i headcanon that they're one of connor's favourites too)

The first time Evan's soulmate wrote to him he was a wreck.

The first day of school was never a great experience, not when his personality seemed to be nothing but a horrible hodgepodge of anxiety, stuttering and sweaty hands. Sure, he knows that, logically, none of what his brain conjures up has much chance of happening, but the creeping terror of messing up would always be there no matter what he told himself. 

Not to mention the fact that the chance that everything will go wrong is still there, no matter how small.

Evan was sitting on his bed, staring at the blank space on his laptop. He had to write this letter eventually. His therapist would be disappointed in him if he didn't, and what if she was so disappointed that she no longer believed that he actually was trying to get better, then she wouldn't let his mom book more appointments because she never wanted to see him again and his mom would be disappointed and upset because she had worked so hard to get the money for therapy and she wouldn't bother trying to find him a new therapist and then he would get even worse and-

Evan shook his head violently, shutting his train of thoughts down and regulating his breathing. In. Out. In. Out. He was fine, he just had to write a letter to himself. It wasn't that hard. He could do that. He was fine.

He lowered his hands down to the keyboard and began his letter.

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_Today is going to be a good day, and here's w_

Evan jumped five feet into the air, tossing his laptop away from him and staring at his arm with wide eyes. There, below the fading blue cursive of his own writing, messy black scrawlings were quickly writing themselves unto his pale skin. The scratchy, angular writing was a stark contrast to his own writing, and it took him a few minutes to even gather himself enough to read the words on his forearm.

> _There's a God-awful shitty feeling of dread in my heart,_  
>  _Yeah, it's got a lot to do with haven't finished what I started;_  
>  _And at any second now I think it all might fall apart,_  
>  _'Cause there's a God-awful shitty feeling of dread in my heart, yeah._

It took Evan some time to process the words. Lyrics! God did he feel stupid when he realized that they were lyrics. Of course they were. Obviously his soulmate was trying to copy what he'd done the other night.

The it hit him. 

His soulmate.

He had a soulmate. His soulmate had written this. His soulmate was writing to him. _He had a soulmate._

It took everything he had in him to look up the song without passing out. He took the time to hush his reeling thoughts and fears and to regulate his breathing yet again before he pulled out his heaphones and plugged them in. He played the song and listened.

He was glad he did. Mother Mother... He made a note to himself to look them up, bookmarked the song in question before noticing the time. He bolted, throwing everything he needed into his bag and rushing to school.

The first day of school was never a good experience, but at least he wasn't the only one who thought so.


	3. Scars On My Soul

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The second time his soulmate had written to him, he couldn't help but grin.
> 
> _And they say_  
>  _It started with the big bang_  
>  _But they say_  
>  _It came out of a small thing_
> 
> The second time his soul mate had written to him, he couldn't help but fuck things up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woops i projected and vented lmao
> 
> Song is Infinitesimal by Mother Mother (I warned yall that i love mother mother)

The second time his soul mate had written to him, he couldn't help but grin.

> _And they say_  
>  _It started with the big bang_  
>  _But they say_  
>  _It came out of a small thing_  
>  _Lately_  
>  _Ive been feeling like a big bang_  
>  _Cause i've been making something out of nothing_

He watched as little blue stars and planets formed around the fancy writing. It was cute. Never in the last ten years had Connor thought of anything as cute, but here he was, smiling for the first time in months over how cute his soulmate was. Part of him was a little disgusted at how sappy it was.

The thing that really made him smile was the fact that he'd recognized the song the minute the first line was scrawled unto his wrist. It wasn't just any song. The song was by the same band as the song Connor had written to his soulmate. He had no idea if his soulmate had gone out of their way to look up the band, or if it was just a coincidence that they both liked Mother Mother, but it made butterflies spring to life in his stomach either way.

Good things never lasted for him though, it seems. 

One minute he'd been watching his skin, and then next he was glaring at his red faced father. He was yelling again. Connor hadn't been paying attention to the words his father spewed until a certain sentence stuck out.

"I didn't raise you to be such an ungrateful failure." 

Connor's eyes widened only a fraction. His heart sped up and he felt his shoulders tense angrily. One moment he was on his bed with a pen in his hands, the next the pen was on the other side of the room, along with half of the stuff off his night stand and himself. He was screaming and throwing things, and before he knew it his knuckles had broken the drywall beside his door. 

"Fuck you! You didn't raise me to be this way?! Bull shit!" Connor yelled, eyes wild with the sudden rage that hit him. He couldn't control himself. He was so angry and it terrified him but he couldn't stop.

"You didn't raise me, you just tossed me aside for my perfect little sister! So you know what?!" His voice broke lightly as his eyes began to sting with tears that wouldn't come forth. He hated himself more and more with each word. He hated himself more and more because he knew deep inside that he deserved to be thrown aside. He deserved to become a failure. This was what he deserved, but he had go fight and take out the frustration of that out on others. He felt like such a fuck up.

" Go die in a fucking hole for all I care! Leave me the fuck alone!" Connor screamed. His father stared at him with big eyes, full of anger and hurt. His father didn't say a word.

With that he shoved his father out, slamming the door shut and leaning a chair under the knob for good measure. He screamed in exasperation and picked up the pen he'd thrown earlier. He stabbed it into his hand and hissed in pain. Tears welled in his eyes and he glared down at his wrist.

He took the pen and scratched the words on his skin until every speck of blue was covered by black.

It only took him a moment to realize what he'd done. Once he did he leaned against the wall and slid to the floor. Connor shoved the heels of his hands into his eyes and tried to hold back his tears and frustrated sobs. Obviously his father hadn't raised him to be such a fuck up. He did that to himself.

The second time his soul mate had written to him, he couldn't help but fuck things up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I literally thrive off comments and kudos like the more the faster im gonna update 
> 
> Like if u gave kudos or commented know that im too awkward with social interaction to reply but i would still die for you


	4. I'm Not Running From You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The second time his soulmate wrote to him, Evan had been wishing they'd do it sooner.
> 
> _Come break me down_
> 
> The second time his soulmate had written to him, Evan wished he hadn't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song is The Kill by 30 Seconds To Mars

The second time his soulmate wrote to him, Evan had been wishing they'd do it sooner.

It was lunch, the sun was out and most everyone was off school grounds for the hour. Evan had decided to keep to himself, Jared hadn't shown up, meaning he had to go the day alone. This led to the blonde sitting in a secluded corner of the school yard, leaning against a birch tree.

He was more on edge than usual. Jared wasn't great, not much of a friend, but he was routine. The broken routine was what had upset him so much about Jared's absence. When Jared was gone Evan was lost, unsure where to go, what to do. Being with Jared was his everyday, his normal. 

And thus Evan was left to his own devices and his own mind.

To counter one of those problems, Evan had pulled out his pens and headphones. Writing lyrics to his soulmate did make him anxious, but it was a different kind of anxious, a safer one, and the mindless doodles afterwards helped him clear his head.

He had been just on the edge of ok when the black began to angrily etch itself into his skin.

Within moments all of his blue drawings and words had been blotted out completely by a ragged scribbly block of black, and Evan could feel the burn of where his soulmate had torn skin. It hurt him physically, his nerves screamed where his soulmate had jabbed the pen into their hand, and Evan was sobbing at the pain almost instantly.

But the real pain was the emotional one. To have his soulmate destroy his writing was a cleared message than any. His soulmate didn't want him, hated him even, the inky black of his arm seared that message into his own skin, brighter than day. 

Then came the words, shakier than before, deeper, and more painful than the scribbling had been.

> _What if I wanted to break_   
>  _Laugh it all off in your face_   
>  _What would you do_

There was a break, and Evan thought the words had stopped. Then he felt the burn on the back of his arm once again and he bit his lip until it bled, trying to see through the tears. In all capital letters it read;

> _COME BREAK ME DOWN_   
>  _BURY ME, BURY ME_

And surrounding it began to seep a mess of words he could barely make out. The only things he could read seemed to be the repeated _I'm sorry_ , and two sentences that confused and scared Evan more than the others. 

_I try to be someone else but nothing seems to change._

_All I wanted was you_

Evan scrambled for his phone, calling his mom while he tried to ignore the painful tightness in his chest. By the end of lunch Evan had ended up in his bedroom, curled in a blanket and shaking from the sobs that wracked his body. He was lost and confused and all he knew was that he'd done something wrong, he'd ruined everything. He wasn't good enough and his soulmate knew that.

The second time his soulmate had written to him, Evan wished he hadn't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Man this chapter was harder to write, i really dont react to things like this with anythjng but anger and self loathing, and i relate a lot more to connor than i do evan. Im hoping its in character enough but if anyone has any critique im all ears!


	5. I Know Myself A Bit Too Well

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was nothing more than a small _I’m Sorry_ hidden in his own scribblings of the same word all along his forearm.
> 
> The moment Connor had noticed it was the moment that he realized how this all must have looked to his soulmate. The moment Connor had noticed it was the moment that he realized how badly he’d fucked up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait, I wasn't sure how i wanted this chapter to play out until now. The song is Self-Loathing by Days N Daze.

The next time Connor heard from his soulmate, he was falling out of his fit of rage.

Maybe ‘heard’ wasn’t the right word. But it was the only word that fit when Connor tried to think on it. Really, the only thing his soulmate had done was add a little more shaky blue scrawl to the deep black Connor had just about carved into his skin after his latest fight with Larry.

It was nothing more than a small _I’m Sorry_ hidden in his own scribblings of the same word all along his forearm.

The moment Connor had noticed it was the moment that he realized how this all must have looked to his soulmate. The moment Connor had noticed it was the moment that he realized how badly he’d fucked up.

It had been three days since then. Connor had tried to write to his soulmate, to explain the situation, to apologize, to do anything at all. Yet he could never find the words. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t put his feelings or thoughts into writing, and it seemed like his soulmate wasn’t interested in writing to him either. He could understand. He would probably hate his soulmate if they’d written something like his mess of a vent filled message on his arm too.

A paper airplane to the back of the head pulled him back into reality.

Right. Science class.

Connor turned quickly, trying to find the culprit, and a scowl graced his features when he noticed a group of jocks in the back of the classroom. He was ready to call them out and had nearly left his seat when he caught sight of the small blonde beside them. More specifically, the greying ink upon the pale skin of his left arm that the blonde seemed to be staring at in a daze.

The same ink Connor had drawn onto his own left arm three days prior. This forced Connor to a standstill. Then dark blue eyes caught his own, and before he could even register what had happened, Connor’s desk had been flipped by just how fast he’s stood, bolting out of the classroom and towards the nearest bathroom. He threw himself into the nearest stall and fell to his knees, bracing his hands on the toilet seat.

The room was spinning, and his eyes burned with unshed tears. He wanted to scream, to cry, to punch a wall, to do something other than leaning over a grimy toilet, borderline dry heaving. There were so many things rushing through his brain all at once. So many emotions, so many fears. 

He knew he’d meet his soulmate eventually, but he would never have guessed it would be so soon.

He spent the next ten minutes just sobbing against the door of the bathroom stall, dizzy and numb from the shock. He wasn’t ready to meet his soulmate, and the overwhelming sadness that the blonde boy had shown when his eyes met Connor’s was all the proof that Connor needed to affirm that he definitely didn’t deserve one.

Connor pulled out a pen.

Apparently so did his soulmate. Just as Connor had pulled his sleeve up to write, blue ink had begun to appear over the faded ink on his wrist.

> _All my heroes are human_  
>  _And my gods are all dead_  
>  _And hope's hard to find_  
>  _So I’ll hide out in bed_

That was all he needed to recognize the song. It was a song he’d listen to when things were too much to handle. So he wrote back.

> _And I harbor a hatred_  
>  _For anyone left with_  
>  _A fragment of a smile_

And so, they formed a pattern. They continued on until the end of the chorus, alternating between neat blue and scratchy black until Connor finally interrupted. With a deep sigh, he readied himself and began to write.

_Hey, look, I just…_ He paused, thinking on his choice of words. _I want to apologize. That stuff the other day wasn’t because of you. I was angry and upset because of other things and, well, I wasn’t thinking of how it would affect you when I wrote it. I’m sorry._

He stopped for a moment, unsure of himself. When no blue words appeared in response he steeled himself and continued.

_I was hoping that maybe we could…. Start over? I guess that’s the best way to put it… Anyways. Hi. I’m Connor Murphy, your soulmate._ Connor grimaced, scratching out the last two words. _Sorry, that was dumb._

After a minute or two without reply, he was sure that his soulmate hated him. The entire thing was stupid. Why the hell would the just forgive him so easily. He was an idiot. Not only that, he _just_ saw his soulmate in the same class as him. What sort of dumbass with a reputation like his would have told their fucking soulmate who they are! That’s practically telling your soulmate “HEY! I, YOUR SOULMATE, AM A PSYCHO THAT WAS VOTED MOST LIKELY TO SHOOT UP THE SCHOOL HOW YA DOIN!?” God he was so fucking stupid. He bit his lip and scratched at his thigh through his jeans, feeling the dull prick of scabs being torn. Just as he was about to roll down his sleeve, came the blue scrawl he’s been waiting for.

_Hi, Connor, I’m Evan… Evan Hansen._

The words were shakier and much more unsure than usual, but Connor barely noticed. He was ecstatic and filled with energy just from getting a response. Evan Hansen.

He tested the name out on his tongue, his lips quirking upwards just barely. Cute. Connor knew things wouldn’t be perfect, but his soulmate- no, Evan was willing to forgive him and to try things again, even though he probably knew who Connor was and the things he was rumored to have done. That was more than Connor could ever have hoped for.

The next time Connor heard from his soulmate, he was beginning to think that maybe things could be alright.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy crap thats just over 1000 words im proud of myself


	6. Brief Update

Alright, so this thing is on a bit of an accidental haitus and im really sorry about that. I have some later chapters planned out, but im struggling finding inspiration for the in between. 

So to try and push myself to write that in between, i thought i would come ask you guys for some song recs. it doesnt have to be songs that fit the fic theme, im honestly looking for anything.

if you have songs youd like to rec, you can comment here, send me a pm or you can contact me over on my tumblr at http://officialconnormurphy.tumblr.com

again im looking for absolutely anything, and my taste in music is literally everything (ive specifically been listening to folk punk and older artists such a mj, guns n roses and men at work lately but i will listen to pretty much everything from electroswing to vocaloid to rap to classic and much more) so throw whatever youd like at me, be it a character playlist you made for an oc that you like, your all time fav song since you were 3 years old, incredibly obscure 1800s opera or anything else youre willing to share

thank you guys for your patience with me and for all the support youve given me already! i love you all and every new kudo or comment makes my day!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (I'll be deleting this chapter once ive posted another chapter or two so long as i remember)


End file.
